


white collar.mp3

by LuckyDiceKirby



Category: White Collar
Genre: Gen, Multi, POV Outsider, Screenplay/Script Format, this is a fake podcast., what's the tag for fake podcasts.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 19:20:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16666747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyDiceKirby/pseuds/LuckyDiceKirby
Summary: This season onWhite Collar, we’ve been exploring the daring and often stylish misdeeds of con artist, art forger and thief Neal Caffrey--also known as Nicholas Halden, George Donnelly, Steve Tabernacle, and close to a dozen other names. That we know of.Lacey McMichael, investigative reporter for the critically acclaimed podcastWhite Collar, tries to score an interview with Peter Burke in the hopes of answering one important question: why does anyone trust Neal Caffrey with anything?





	white collar.mp3

**Author's Note:**

> This extremely silly story is the result of me listening to all of The Dream in about two days after having previously fallen in love with the first season of Crimetown. Would highly recommend.

This season on _White Collar_ , we’ve been exploring the daring and often stylish misdeeds of con artist, art forger and thief Neal Caffrey--also known as Nicholas Halden, George Donnelly, Steve Tabernacle, and close to a dozen other names. That we know of. 

That’s been a running theme in our research into Neal Caffrey--even for a con man, he can be incredibly hard to pin down. I mean, he got convicted, didn’t he? But asking questions about Caffrey inevitably leads to more questions. For example: so, he went down for bond forgery in 2006. Did three years and nine months, and--he breaks out! Of prison! Three months from being released! Who does that?

And: so Neal breaks out of prison, and he gets caught. Like, immediately. And instead of tacking another year or five onto his sentence, the FBI decides to...put him on some sort of work-release program? Who thought that was a good idea?

And: the guy then _bails from his work release program_ after three years. Like, bails bails. Like, runs away to a remote tropical island I wish I could run away to every time New York winter comes around bails. And he gets caught there, too. And...the FBI takes him back. Why? Why in the world would anyone, ever, in the history of the universe, decide to trust this guy?

These questions and a dozen more all come back to one man: Peter Burke, the man who took Caffrey down. Took him down, and then decided to trust him. So, on this week’s episode of _White Collar_ …we decided to give him a call!

[SFX: phone ringing]

And another…

[SFX: phone ringing]

And another...

[SFX: phone ringing]

And another. Turns out, Peter Burke isn’t too fond of answering his phone. Which, I get it. I’m a millennial! I don’t answer my phone either! But I’m trying to make a show here, people. So we kept calling and leaving messages and heard exactly zilch back, and pretty much assumed we were going to get a cease and desist from the FBI one of these days. But, as luck would have it…

[SFX: phone ringing]

[SFX: phone being picked up]

ELIZABETH BURKE: Hello?

As luck would have it, after approximately five million calls, we were finally able to reach Peter Burke’s wife Elizabeth. And turns out, she _loves_ to talk about Caffrey exactly as much as her husband doesn’t.

Also--and this is going to come up a lot--she’s an _incredible_ host. 

Elizabeth Burke, née Mitchell, has been married to Peter Burke for over ten years. To hear anyone who’s met them tell it, they don’t have a fairtytale romance for the ages--they’re no Neal Caffrey and Kate Moreau, that’s for sure. But they are still absolutely perfect for each other. They never fight. They barely even get jealous. They have the kind of comfortable, lived in sort of love that makes me want to wrap myself in a blanket and watch Pride and Prejudice for the rest of my life. While drinking hot chocolate. And petting a dog. 

Have I mentioned they have a dog? 

[SFX: dog barking, collar jingling]

ELIZABETH: Don’t mind Satchmo--he just always has to investigate anyone who isn’t me or Peter or Neal. Our little four-legged FBI agent. 

LACEY: This is the opposite of a problem--hey boy! Wow you’re cute. I love you. Okay, yeah, go sleep by the fireplace, that’s valid. So, does Neal spend a lot of time here, then?

ELIZABETH: I guess he does--he and Peter have to spend a lot of time working late on cases, and at least if they do it here, I can make sure they eat something sensible for dinner. Peter would be perfectly happy to live off deviled ham sandwiches, and Neal would eat a single pain au chocolat and espresso for dinner, and then seduce half the bakery on accident. 

LACEY: Would you say you know Neal well--oh, if this is fancy wine, it’s going to be totally wasted on me.

ELIZABETH: Don’t worry, Peter drinks it, so it must be enjoyable even for someone without a, let’s say refined palette.

LACEY: No one has _ever_ accused me of having a refined palate! Thank you.

[SFX: glasses clinking]

ELIZABETH: So, what do you want to know? 

What _didn’t_ I want to know. What we’d really been hoping to get by talking to Peter Burke was some insight into who Neal Caffrey was, under all the masks. We knew all the mechanics of how his cons worked--allegedly--and we knew all the details of his deal with the FBI down to the most boring legalese. Thanks, City of New York’s public records. But what we didn’t know was the answer to a central, all-important question: why? Why did Caffrey do what he did? Why did he decide to stop? Was it just the FBI breathing down his neck? And why do people keep giving this man second, and third, and fourth chances? Look, I’ve met him, and yeah, the stories are true: the man is hot. That’s not a good reason to let him get away with breaking out of prison, to let him set up shop in the FBI’s White Collar division, to let a convicted felon into your home to make friends with your dog. That’s what I wanted to know.

So, I asked her!

LACEY: Would you say that you trust Neal Caffrey?

ELIZABETH: (laughs) Wow, that’s a loaded question. I’m sure you hear this a lot, but Neal’s...a complicated guy.

LACEY: I’m getting that impression.

ELIZABETH: Do I trust him? I wouldn’t leave him alone in a room with a Picasso for ten minutes, at least if I wanted to come back and find it still there. But...I don’t know how to say this in a way that doesn’t make it sound like he has me conned! Neal has heart, you know? He has a pretty casual relationship with the law, but he’s a good man. He’s terrified of guns. He has a kind of Robin Hood sensibility. I’m not saying all the stuff he stole--allegedly--was for charity or anything. He stole that stuff--allegedly--because it was fun, because he wanted to prove he could do it, and because it gave him a purpose. A calling. Peter would say he stole stuff for the challenge of it, for the game. And maybe that’s part of it. But Neal’s the kind of guy who’s very into, I don’t know, this idea of inner beauty. I once watched him stare at a Rodan sculpture for twenty minutes straight. He didn’t say a word. And when he walked away, it was like he’d seen God. He thinks everything has a purpose, you know? To be beautiful, or to be clever, to shine a particular way under the light. And he thinks--he thought--that his purpose is to be clever and beautiful in that particular way. By conning the world in the most dazzling way he could.

LACEY: Wow.

ELIZABETH: But I think underneath it all, he realizes that it’s--not empty. But shallow. It’s not a life, it’s a con. And if you give him the opportunity, ultimately he wants to do the right thing. That’s why he and Peter get along so well. Oh, neither of them would admit it. But Peter gives Neal a reason to do the right thing. That’s why they work. 

I’ll be honest, I was riveted. Over the course of our research, we’d heard a lot of stories about Neal Caffrey. Like, a lot. Absolutely none of them had sounded like this. This was when I realized that after all this time, we’d finally found it: here was someone who understood what made Neal Caffrey tick. Who didn’t see him as this larger than life figure--when Elizabeth Burke talked about him, I could actually start to see Neal Caffrey as a human being. 

We talked for awhile longer, drank some really good wine that was totally wasted on me, and then Elizabeth’s husband came home.

[SFX: door opening, keys jangling]

PETER BURKE: Honey?

ELIZABETH: We’re in here! 

Peter Burke wasn’t exactly happy to find me sitting in his living room. But, like any smart husband, he doesn’t question his wife’s decisions. 

I wouldn’t exactly describe Peter Burke as hostile. The first thing he did when he came into the room was kiss his wife, even though I had clearly just inserted myself into some sort of ongoing disagreement between them. See what I mean about them being the perfect couple? 

Peter Burke’s about 6’2, wears suits of middling quality, and has worked for the White Collar division of the FBI for over a decade. If I ran into him in the street, I wouldn’t look twice. There’s a million guys in New York who look exactly like him. But he’s not like a million other guys--he’s the one guy who caught Neal Caffrey. And he really wasn’t interested in talking to me. 

PETER: Lacey McMichael. I believe the FBI’s given you guys a statement already. 

LACEY: It’s nice to finally meet you, Mr. Burke! 

PETER: I wish I could say the same.

ELIZABETH: Peter! 

PETER: Sorry. El, you know I don’t want anyone digging into Neal’s past. Or present. 

LACEY: Isn’t that your job, Mr. Burke?

PETER: My job--and Neal’s--is to close cases for the White Collar division. Which I doubt is something your viewers will be interested in. Mostly it’s very boring. Lots of looking at numbers. Accounting fraud. 

ELIZABETH: Honey, they make a podcast. People listen to it, they don’t watch it. 

LACEY: Actually, Mr. Burke, there are a couple of cases you and Neal Caffrey have worked together that I’d be really interested in discussing--the Salazar art theft case, or--

PETER: I’m afraid I’ll have to direct you to the FBI for comment. 

I’ll spare you guys the actual comments we’ve received from the FBI. They’re about as boring as accounting fraud.

So, Peter Burke continued to be a dead end. We interviewed Elizabeth several more times, but I still wasn’t completely satisfied. She knew more about Neal than almost anyone else, but I still felt like we were missing something. Sara Ellis, whose role in Neal’s capture and romantic life we’ve discussed in previous episodes, wasn’t returning my calls. Neal’s friend and alleged accomplice, a man who calls himself “Mozzie”, didn’t even have a phone number that I could call so he could ignore me.

ELIZABETH: I know this will sound obvious, but...have you tried talking to Neal?

Well, of course we had! We’d interviewed him about a month before we ever spoke to Elizabeth. Here’s some tape from that conversation:

LACEY: So, can you tell me about the famous Raphael that Sara Ellis believed you stole?

NEAL CAFFREY: You know, I don’t believe I was ever charged in that case--I think we’d better not discuss it.

LACEY: Fair enough! Now, about the Rembrandt…

NEAL: Any Rembrandt in particular? I hear the man painted quite a few. I’ve never seen one up close.

It went on like this for about an hour. Finally, Neal had this to say:

NEAL: Sorry, Lacey--can I call you Lacey? The thing is, I’ve really been trying to turn my life around. You should talk to Peter--he’s been a big help with that. Digging back into my past...it’s just not a great idea for me right now. I hope I didn’t waste your time.

Then he insisted on buying my coffee. He was perfectly polite but also incredibly, utterly, astoundingly boring--seriously, I would play every time he deflected one of my questions, but you’d fall asleep--and he didn’t tell us _anything_. 

ELIZABETH: (clicks tongue) I get it. That’s Peter’s fault, you know. He’s been on Neal about being more careful, not putting himself in any more danger of prosecution--you guys know all about the situation with Agent Kramer, right?

We do! Well, we know a little bit about it. And so do you, dear listener--we covered the Kramer debacle, and Neal’s ensuing flight for freedom, back in episode five.

ELIZABETH: Since then, Neal’s been a little more...subdued. It’s hard to notice, but I guess I know him pretty well, after all this time. I think he’s got this idea that he’s not allowed to have any fun anymore. 

A con man, not allowed to have any fun? Not cool. Not cool at all.

I’ve seen court tapes of the “old” Neal Caffrey--or at least, the version of himself he wanted everyone to see. Guy wears a lot of hats, remember? He was sparkling, for lack of a better word. He was having _fun_. It was like Elizabeth said. The Neal Caffrey I interviewed was not having fun. And--to be frank--a Neal Caffrey who was having fun would be a lot more likely to give me good sound bites. So, what to do? 

Elizabeth Burke, three mimosas in--brunch interviews come highly recommended--to the rescue: 

ELIZABETH: Actually, I have an idea. Have you guys ever thought about running a con?

LACEY: I mean, we’re making a show about a con man. 

MELINDA: Lacey tried to convince me to do the violin scam as research. 

That voice you’re hearing slander me is our lovely producer, Melinda.

LACEY: It was a good idea!

MELINDA Saying it’s research doesn’t get you out of jail, Lacey. Neither of us get paid enough for bail money.

ELIZABETH: Oh, I know that one! Neal pulled it with Mozzie once. Allegedly.

MELINDA: Of course.

ELIZABETH: I know exactly what you guys have to do. You want a good story? You need to pull a con on Neal.

Conning a con man? Count me in.

Our dear producer Melinda took a little more convincing--she’s cautious like that, which is why she files our taxes--but we got there in the end. So, over brunch, we hatched our devious plan to pull a Caffrey on Caffrey. 

ELIZABETH: The trick is, you can’t make him think he’s going to do anything illegal--obviously illegal, at least--or incriminating in any way. He’s gone straight! (giggles) Allegedly. So interviewing him for a show that was going to be put into the ears of millions of people--

MELINDA: I think that’s overestimating our potential listenership a little.

LACEY: It is not! 

ELIZABETH: You can see how that wouldn’t work. 

LACEY: Okay, okay, fine. So maybe a straightforward interview request was not the way to go with an extremely unstraightforward guy. So, what. I put on my best art thief disguise and try to get him to talk shop?

ELIZABETH: Nope!

You can’t see her, but she’s pointing straight at Melinda.

ELIZABETH: Melinda has to do it!

MELINDA: Uh.

LACEY: Oh, come on!

ELIZABETH: You already interviewed him! He knows what you look like! 

LACEY: I could wear a hat!

ELIZABETH: Neal really isn’t an easy guy to fool. Melinda’s the better choice, anyway. He goes for the serious ones. Trust me. 

So, I got relegated to dogsitting duty while Elizabeth and Melinda got to have fun. This job sucks sometimes. But I do it, because I have principles. I stick to my journalistic ideals. And I love the Burkes’ dog.

LACEY: Okay, so, this sounds great--thank you so much, Elizabeth--but I just have to ask. Won’t your husband mind?

ELIZABETH: Peter spent years trying to catch Neal. He can’t complain about me trying to do the same thing. Oh, don’t worry, he’ll understand. The thing you have to know about Peter is, he absolutely lives for the chase. There’s this look he gets in his eyes when he’s caught Neal out at something. It’s not really a happy look--he just wants Neal to be good, you know? To be happy. To have a life here. But there’s this _triumph_ there. I just want to know what that’s like! Neal’s an incredibly hard guy to pull one over on. I guess me and Peter are alike that way. You can’t look at a guy that slick and not want to mess him up a little, you know?

Our first look into the psyche of the famous Peter Burke! But more on that later. For now, we had a con to put together. 

According to Elizabeth, every Wednesday after work, Neal stopped by a particular French bakery before heading back to his apartment. It doubled as a coffee shop frequented by SUNY art students. _Also_ according to Elizabeth, one of Neal’s favorite cases to work involved a college course that spent a syllabus week on him. And according to every bar we go to that insists on carding her, Melinda can still pass for a college student. 

And let me tell you guys, art student Melinda is a great look. You should really consider keeping the hipster glasses, Melinda.

MELINDA: I’ll take it under consideration.

LACEY: That means no in Melinda-speak, everyone. So, since I was cruelly banished from participation in this con, Melinda’s joining me in the studio today to fill me in! Tell me the truth, Melinda, did Neal sweep you off your feet? Did you agree to run away with him to Paris? 

MELINDA: Tuscany, actually.

LACEY: I expect a postcard.

MELINDA: Will do. So, like Lacey said, I dressed up as your prototypical art student. Or at least the kind of art student my little sister is, because I just borrowed a bunch of her clothes. She wants a cut of our ad sales, by the way.

LACEY: Bold of her to assume we’re going to make any money.

MELINDA: That’s what I said. So, I looked the part, ensconced myself in a corner booth of Liberte Patisserie, and waited. And Elizabeth’s intel was good, because just after six, Neal walks in.

LACEY: And you played it totally cooler than I would ever have been able to.

MELINDA: Well, yes, but _I_ wasn’t going to say that. The thing about this plan was--

LACEY: Con.

MELINDA: I’m not calling it a con. The thing about our _plan_ was that it relied on this all seeming like a big coincidence. I couldn’t act like I’d been waiting for him like--

LACEY: Like a huge weirdo.

MELINDA: Like a journalist. So, I let him order his tea and croissant and big box of pastries, and then just as he was about to leave, I knocked into him and spilled his tea.

LACEY: Which probably cost like five dollars. 

MELINDA: Yes. And, I didn’t do this on purpose, but most of it actually ended up getting on me--hence my sister’s insistence that we owe her money. 

LACEY: Ah, the chivalry play. 

MELINDA: Right. So, I do the usual flurry of pretending to be embarrassed, and of course he turns on the charm, tries to make me feel better, sits me down and offers to get me something--and then I make my eyes go all wide, like this--

LACEY: Melinda is currently doing an impression of a thirteen year old girl who just met Carly Rae Jepson, which is extremely unsettling for me, personally. 

MELINDA: Caffrey didn’t seem to mind. Anyway, I do that, and I say, oh my god, are you Neal Caffrey? He says why yes, I am, it’s all very slick, and I turn my computer screen around and I show him I’m in the middle of working on my term paper about him.

LACEY: Which was lovingly written by me. I can’t believe you would stoop to _plagiarism_ , Melinda.

MELINDA: And then I say, I know you must get this all the time, but I was actually doing some research into you, yada yada yada, could I _possibly_ ask him a few questions? Just a few! And if I can record him, you know, to prove to my professor I’m not pulling this all out of my ass. Not for any other reason, obviously. 

LACEY: And Neal Caffrey, master criminal, just cannot resist the pleading doe eyes of a ruthless podcast producer who is pretending to be a huge fan of his.

MELINDA: Exactly.

And that’s how we obtained this extremely, extremely hard-won audio you’re about to hear! It may sound a little grainier than the dulcet tones you’re used to hearing from us--Melinda didn’t want to tip her hand by showing up with all of our fancy podcasting equipment. We’re not going to play the whole interview right now--we’ve saved a lot of it for future episodes, so here’s just a taste.

NEAL: Can you hear me okay? Should I do some sort of test? One, two, three?

MELINDA: Nope, you’re showing up okay! Thank you again for doing this, you have no idea how much it means to me. 

NEAL: Of course! Anything for a fan. So, what is it you want to know?

MELINDA: Well, most of the academic sources on you talk about, you know, all the stuff you’ve done in the past. I was wondering if I could get a sense of what your current life is like--there’s nothing written about that at all.

NEAL: My life working with the FBI, you mean. 

MELINDA: Exactly. Is it weird, being on the other side of things like that? 

NEAL: Honestly? Some days it feels exactly the same. There’s still the same thrill of pulling off a successful job, you know? 

MELINDA: Isn’t it...annoying, I guess? Having all these rules to follow now?

NEAL: (laughs) I try to look at it as an extra challenge. And Peter’s always there to keep me in line--you know about Peter Burke, don’t you?

MELINDA: Of course. You like working with him, then?

NEAL: He’s the best--I always loved working with the best. Don’t get me wrong, he can be a huge pain in the ass--it’s part of the required FBI training, you know--but he gets the job done. 

MELINDA: What’s he like? A hardass who’s really good at his job?

NEAL: I did say that, didn’t I. It’s not untrue, but...have you ever looked at one of those optical illusion images, you know, that can look like an old woman or a beautiful lady depending on how you look at them? Peter’s kind of like that. He has layers, but they’re very straightforward. He’s not hiding anything, unless I’ve done something to piss him off. So he is a hardass who’s really good at his job. But he’s compassionate, too, in this really inept way. It shouldn’t be charming--I would know!--but it is, somehow. I guess I would say he’s earnest. He doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about what’s right or wrong because he just...knows. 

MELINDA: You sound like you envy him.

NEAL: Not at all. I didn’t mention he studied _accounting_ in college. Can you imagine?

MELINDA: (laughs) I really can’t. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you end up in this position, working for him? I mean...why did you break out the first time? It’s something I’ve always wondered. I mean, it seems to have turned out alright, but…

NEAL: There were...let’s call them extenuating circumstances. I was worried about someone very close to me. I thought she needed help. And she did. But it turned out that I couldn’t help her after all.

(LACEY, VO: Did you believe him?

MELINDA: Yeah, I did.)

MELINDA: I’m sorry about that.

NEAL: Me too. 

MELINDA: Do you regret it?

NEAL: Like you said, it turned out alright. 

MELINDA: I heard that when they found you, you didn’t even try to run.

NEAL: Nah. I knew that Peter would catch me. Thought I’d save myself the trouble. 

MELINDA: And when you made a run for it a second time, and ended up in Cape Verde...

NEAL: (laughs) Well, if I always made it too easy for Peter, he’d get bored. Really, I’m doing him a favor.

MELINDA: Can I ask why you ran?

NEAL: You can ask, but I can’t answer. Sorry. I’ve got other people’s secrets to worry about.

MELINDA: That’s fine!

(LACEY VO: So, still a no go on answering that question. I think I can make an educated guess, though. And it’s not really important. What all of this made me realize is that the important thing was that every time Neal ran, he let Peter drag him back. That Neal has what sounds like an extremely functional and rewarding working relationship with someone who’s put him in prison, and could in theory do it again at any time, and who will always catch him if he tries to run, is pretty impressive, honestly!

MELINDA VO: I don’t know, the fact that _we_ manage to produce anything of value constantly surprises me.

LACEY VO: Aww, you say the sweetest things.

MELINDA VO: We talked about a bunch of cases he and Peter were involved in, and we even touched on some of his earlier work. Eventually, it was getting pretty late, and so I figured it was time to wrap it up.)

MELINDA: Um, there’s just one more thing.

NEAL: Shoot!

MELINDA: Why did you do it? Like...all of it. 

NEAL: This isn’t going to end up in your paper, is it?

MELINDA: No, I just--I’ve been reading about you since I was a freshman, and me and my friends, we just wonder about it, you know? The whole life, stealing art, living different lives, it seems so glamorous, but at the same time...kind of lonely, I guess. All the lying, changing names, the whole deal. What made it worth it?

(MELINDA, VO: He looked away here for a good minute. Just kind of staring out the window. I think it was the most serious he got the whole time we were talking--the charm just flipped off completely. I don’t think I realized before that moment that he could actually be serious.)

NEAL: You’re not wrong about it being lonely. I can’t explain how it feels. Finishing a job, doing something right. It’s like...having a lightswitch turned on inside you. Or maybe it’s more like an electric shock. There’s just nothing like it. If you knew what it felt like, you’d never want to stop either.

MELINDA: So I guess maybe the question I should be asking is, why _did_ you stop?

NEAL: Do you have anyone special in your life, Alice?

MELINDA: Uh--I guess you could say that.

NEAL: I stopped because I found...something that makes me feel the same way that a good con did. But better. Because it was real. 

MELINDA: I’m glad.

NEAL: Me too. 

Elizabeth Burke told me there was something else to Neal Caffrey underneath all the glitz and the glamor. And she seemed like she was telling the truth--but there’s a difference between believing someone thinks they’re telling the truth, and seeing the truth for yourself. I think I can now say with confidence that she was right. Neal Caffrey has a soul after all, and it’s probably Peter Burke’s fault. 

So. That’s a wrap? 

MELINDA: Well, actually, there’s something else.

LACEY: Isn’t there always.

MELINDA: We were leaving the cafe, chatting about nothing, and lo and behold...Peter Burke is loitering right outside. 

LACEY: Damn, that guy is good. 

MELINDA: Neal gives him this thousand watt smile and says, “Peter, you’ll never believe this, but Alice here is writing a paper about me!”

LACEY: And Peter says…

MELINDA: Peter turns to me and says, “Melinda Bronson, my name is Peter Burke. I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.”

LACEY: Ouch.

MELINDA: So I’m desperately trying to think if there’s a way to salvage this, while Peter is casually explaining that I produce _White Collar_ , that we’ve been calling Peter’s house for months, the whole deal.

LACEY: And is Neal...mad?

MELINDA: I really wasn’t sure if he was going to be. I was nervous, because if he asked me to delete the recordings, or not use them, I couldn’t really say no, right? But instead he starts laughing. Really hard. Just doubled over in the street. Peter was looking at him like he was crazy. Neal eventually gets his shit together and turns to me and claps me on the back, starts congratulating me on what a good job I did, how he didn’t realize anything was wrong at all. 

LACEY: Which I’m sure Peter loved.

MELINDA: He looked really stern for a few seconds, but eventually he cracked. Started smiling and shaking his head. Hard to be pissed about it if Neal wasn’t, I guess. He told me to say hi to you, also. So, hi.

LACEY: Hi, Peter--oh god, do you think he’s listening to this?

MELINDA: I don’t actually think Peter knows what a podcast is. But as for Neal…it would not be incorrect to say he’s pretty vain, and he knows all about the show now, so.

LACEY: I really can’t think about that, I’ll die. Anyway. So he decided to let us use the recordings after all, even after he spilled his guts?

MELINDA: He talked it over with Peter, actually, but--I think Peter could see how excited the whole thing made him, and he said as long as we didn’t put anything up until Neal’s next hearing reassessing his sentence, that it wouldn’t be a problem. Even said he’d back Neal up about it being good publicity.

LACEY: Hey! So everything worked out!

MELINDA: Pretty much. Neal left soon after that--he said something about having a date, which Peter seemed to think was pretty funny, so maybe that was a lie. I stuck around to talk with him for a minute, though.

LACEY: He say anything interesting? Did you butter him up for an interview? _Finally_?

MELINDA: I’m...not really sure what I did. I played him a clip from Neal’s interview. Where I asked him why he stopped, and he said he’d found someone--well, okay, he _said_ something, but I’m not an idiot--better than a con.

LACEY: Oh my god. Melinda. What did he say?

MELINDA: He was quiet for awhile. Eventually he said he owed his wife a really, really good pot roast. 

LACEY: Don’t we all. Neal, if you are indeed listening, please bring Elizabeth Burke the nicest bottle of wine you have. And buy Peter Burke a Heineken, on me. Bill it to the studio.

There you have it: the daring tale of how we finally wrangled a decent interview with Neal Caffrey. Did we answer our original question? Why would anyone trust this guy? Maybe. It’s true that Neal’s rehabilitation has been a bumpy road, but I’ve got to say, after hearing him be honest for five seconds on tape, I think he’s a different guy than the one I once watched charm a courtroom full of people. When Elizabeth Burke tells me he’s got heart, I believe her. This isn’t a guy who hurts people for fun. He has hurt people over the course of his career, and I don’t know for sure that he’s stopped for good. I think he probably has a different kind of compassion than Peter Burke does. But the man Melinda talked to _cares_ , and that may be the most interesting investigative finding of this entire season. 

Who knows? Maybe he has us conned too! But I don’t think so. I might be an easy mark, but I don’t think that Peter and Elizabeth Burke are. It seems to me like Neal’s learned a lot from them, and he doesn’t intend to stop.

And maybe one of these days, we’ll _finally_ get Peter Burke to talk to us for real. 

Until then, I’m your host, Lacey McMichael. Join us next week for a deep dive into the mystery of the vanishing U-boat treasure, which--whether I trust Neal Caffrey now or not, I think he _just_ might have had something to do with. 

 

 

 

[an outtake, saved on Lacey McMichael’s personal Macbook under the file name “Melinda open this if I die you deserve to have this knowledge but then delete it okay seriously also all the porn just kidding OR AM I.mp3”]

LACEY: Thank you again for brunch! So, Elizabeth, I actually just have one last question for you. Before Melinda gets back and tells me to shut up. And you don’t have to answer, and I promise I won’t put it in the show.

ELIZABETH: Ooh, well now I’m curious. 

LACEY: So, you and Neal…

ELIZABETH: (laughs)

LACEY: I can’t tell if that’s a definite yes or a definite no.

ELIZABETH: You didn’t ask a question!

LACEY: Implication is a journalist’s best friend! My producer and I couldn’t help but notice that you and Neal seem pretty close. So, I was just wondering...

ELIZABETH: Lacey, are you asking me if me and my _FBI agent_ husband’s CI have been carrying on an affair behind his back? Possibly for years? I thought you were going to do a whole episode on how impressive it was that Peter caught him. Twice.

LACEY: Not at all! Not at all. I’m, uh, actually asking if you and your FBI agent husband’s CI are carrying on an affair with his blessing. Or participation! This is a judgement free zone. And like, I get it. I _have_ seen Neal. And Peter! And you. Wow, this is a hole I should probably stop digging.

ELIZABETH: (laughs) You know, you kind of remind me of Neal! Listen, Lacey, I’ve been married to an FBI agent for a very long time. I’ve been very good friends with a former con man for about five. You pick up on some things. And with all that vast experience under my belt, I think I can confidently say that rule number one is--[rustling, someone reaching for the tape recorder]--don’t confess to anything on tape!

[click]

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter or tumblr at luckydicekirby!


End file.
